God's love

I had an experience about a month ago that I remembered today while studying a lesson on faith. To preface this experience I must explain that I battle with very low self-esteem and have struggled with this most of my life. Age and many ruined relationships have taught me a thing or two; fortunately, I have made some strides in the right direction to self-love. Surprisingly I am also a self-help junkie! I can't seem to hit the library and just snag a quick Richard Paul Evans romance every once in a while. Inevitably I'll grab some form of a self-help book too. Every. Time. ;) It is a virus of the mind I actively try to combat. Daily. So I guess I can't help myself, but it is ironic hahaha.

Now going to this experience....
We were on day two of our "summer" vacation in mid September and had planned this trip with another family who also happen to be good friends.  This trip was a big one which included a Spartan Race for the adults, Disneyland, California Adventure Park, Universal Studios (Harry Potter World) and of course time spent on the beach. In preparation for this trip I had tried my best to feel confident in all that we would be doing together. I tried to tell myself that spending 9 straight days with other people (even friends) was possible and could even be fun. In reality this trip had given me ulcers for weeks and almost months. Every poor self-esteem person's NIGHTMARE.

So here I find myself completely overwhelmed at DAY 2!!!!! Yes... pathetically day 2. My poor loving husband could sense my unease and overall panic, however, he couldn't have guessed why. He loving kept asking what was wrong and why I was so quiet? Poor guy. To my own detriment my brain does all but kill myself to allow other people to remain unhappier than myself, so of course I keep telling (lying) to him that I was just tired and didn't have much to say, that all was well. So by day two I sent them off to swim and told them I'd catch up, that "I just needed to get situated in my bathing suit and I'd be down." Yeah right. So immediately closing the door and hearing their squeals of delight to be let loose to the pool below I gasped for air and dropped to the floor on my knees. Crocodile tears welling and spilling out uncontrollably. I had lost the battle and I couldn't regain my composure until I had poured my heart out to God for help. I wasn't even sure that I wanted the help for me, just to remain calm during the rest of our trip for my families sake.

Not only was my emotional state in full panic disaster mode, but my knee had been giving me quite the scare with pain for roughly two weeks since my last Spartan Race in Breckenridge, CO. For the full two weeks I had been nursing the crap out of my knee to ensure I'd even be able to race during our vacation to California. All of this, plus more I can't put into words were swirling through my mind like a hurricane. My plea's to God for help were in shear desperation. I felt I had no way out nor anyway of fixing what problems I felt I was dealing with. My sweet husband asked me later that evening if I would like a blessing for my knee and in my heart I couldn't answer with faith that I did, because I had hit rock bottom. I didn't feel worthy to ask for such a miracle nor did I honestly believe God would want to bless poor pathetic me. Dealing with low self-esteem means your subconscious is completely devoted to whatever "truth" you have told yourself. What we tell ourselves has so much power that our subconscious finds evidence to prove itself right.

Example... I can walk into any store and tell you how many things I couldn't wear, what things I shouldn't eat or what things a girl like me doesn't deserve. LIES.
I have told myself how horrible I am for as long as I can remember. Rarely do I feel 100% confident doing anything. I didn't see the real harm for most of those years and am just scratching the surface of how much damage I have done to convince my subconscious of this toxic lie (truth).

Going back, I shrugged off my husband's request to give me a priesthood blessing and went to bed worried and not at all prepared for my race the next day. I had decided that I'd just wear my bulky knee brace and run the race regardless of how it felt; basically I was saying I am unworthy of healing and feeling God's love for me. One word... STUBBORN! Again, my subconscious was not going to be wrong. The next morning, I dressed myself, ate the necessary food I would need and waited for Rob to finish getting himself ready. As I waited, I contemplated how maybe I should just get a blessing because what could it hurt? I made the last minute request and my husband without hesitation said "yes". I sank into the chair, received the blessing and knew deep down God could heal me. He had done it so many times before, I just felt horrible about my worthiness to receive it. As Rob closed the blessing, I opened my eyes, stood to hug and thank him and realized my knee instantly felt better. The sharp intense pain I had become so accustomed to was gone? I was perplexed. God had healed me, but more importantly He had proven His unwavering love and concern for me despite my perceived unworthiness. My heart all but burst in gratitude for Him so powerfully manifesting His LOVE for me. He had heard my heart all along. He had heard my plea's as I bawled on the hotel floor hours earlier. He had known that I was worthy and even knew how much I doubted it... and He knew that I did have faith in His power.

How important is faith? So deeply, personally and powerfully important. To me.