Testing your limits

I took the opportunity this summer to train hard for what is known as a "Spartan Sprint" race. Instead of running my knees and ankles into the pavement all summer I was hitting the gym and pumping iron like a crazy woman. It took all I had most days to drag myself to the gym and not give up. It also required a lot of hiking and trail running. I proved to be mostly successful, but had a few ebbs to my flows. An amazing transformation happened however which I was so pleased to realize. At the beginning of the summer I couldn't do even one pull up. My body would shake and quiver in rejection as my chin so desperately wanted to reach the bar. After about 2 months of practice and diligence in even getting my body half way, I finally reached the bar. And not only that, I can now reach it about 7 times! This among many other strides I made physically while training for this said event. It was kind of like I gained a small glimpse of what my body used to be like as a kid. Growing up I lived and died for gymnastics, and lets be honest- mostly all sports is what I lived for. I remember feeling like I could do anything physically that I wanted to do. Push ups? No problem. Hand-stand push ups? Of course! There was nothing I felt I couldn't do. I loved that feeling of invincibility. Somewhere along the road to maturity I lost all sense of that. I almost seemed to cave in emotionally as well. I became insecure, afraid, and full of doubt. Being a runner most of my adult life renewed a sense of that old self. Mostly emotionally however. Going for a long run has always been a sort of emotional therapy for me. It's wonderful to turn off the "mom brain" and just let the wind and sun hit my face. I was nervous this weekend as my husband and I traveled to Temecula, California to do it. He also ran in the "Spartan Beast" event, because he was earning what they call a "Trifecta Award". After finishing the "Sprint" I think I'd like to train for a "Trifecta" next year. It feels so renewing and wonderful to train my emotional side as well as my physical limit. Our bodies are a wonderful creation of our Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for everything my body can achieve. I am so blessed.

Validation

So, I posted a picture on Facebook last night that actually made me step back and think a little deeper. It was, in nature a sarcastic one, simply stating, "She is like the white crayon in the box. Desperate for attention." When I first read it I literally laughed out loud. If you are familiar enough with the forum of all social media, then you know exactly why this is funny. I worried a tad about offending people. I'm absolutely sure I have. It wasn't directed at any one person to be honest. But it does apply to, I think, almost all of Facebook or other social media users. MYSELF included. It sometimes seems the wave of desperation comes at high tide each and every day with no relief. This has got my mind thinking. Have we become so consumed with ourselves that we need to validate every decision we make on a social media websites? Can you remember the days when that wasn't the case? I can. I remember we depended on family, friends, and more importantly the Lord for our validation. Sure you can say my family and friends are on social media and they are the ones whose posts you are looking for and spending time "stalking". But then we all know you'd be lying. You have hundreds of people on sites that you probably met once or don't even know. When you get the 20, 70+ likes on your "desperate" post, admit it. You feel better. You might even spend time seeing which of those 70+ people liked your post. The feeling that whatever you posted was deemed good enough is what you want so desperately. Yet another form of instant-gratification to making us superficially feel loved. Even if subconsciously. When was the last time you felt that overwhelming desire on a daily or hourly basis for the Lords approval and validation? These sites aren't evil in and of themselves. They don't scream at you that this is probably a bad waste of time or a horrible way to divulge the most intimate parts of your life - all the time. It isn't that I think people are bad for posting or using them. Heaven knows I have had my fair share of those. So often I come across articles or quotes that I need that day. I may even share them hoping to brighten someone else's day. I know we all have those thoughts and desires as well. I find nothing wrong about that. However, what if I thought about or heaven forbid, pray about, someone I could share that quote or article with over the phone or in person! Or what if I am missing out on helping someone in need because I was too busy worrying about how many people will "like" my post. More importantly, I miss the opportunity to communicate with the Lord and see who and how He would have me help someone in need. Asking myself these questions has made me dig deeper into the chambers of my soul. Where does my desire for validation really come from? And what are my actions of that need for validation proving? That I am addicted to social media? Or that I am confident in the Lords approval of me and therefore don't need to spend my waking hours wondering what else is out there.  The Lord has it all. All the best quotes you could ever search for. All the love and concern the Holy Ghost can offer is through Jesus Christ only. I am beginning, in the very least, to reconsider where my actions are showing there devotion.

The power of thought...

I recently listened to a small video clip my good friend April Berezay made the other day. Basically the gist of what was discussed was concepts and thoughts mankind has had in the centuries of time have ALWAYS been the same.  The same desires to feel loved, accepted, or powerful and mighty have always existed. The same emotions have also always existed; Guilt has always existed.  Peace has always existed.  Pride has always existed, Joy, Sorrow, Pain, etc., etc., etc...  The mind is infinite.  And the same pattern of what you think and feel has been happening with countless others for centuries. What thoughts we carry and mole over determine not only where we are at this very moment in life, but where they will lead us in the future.  How then, should the thoughts we make place for, be ones that are of upmost importance! Shifts in thoughts do happen and should happen. But are we willing to put in the work to shift to a higher plain? Or do we shift down because that feels more comfortable? Do we settle for what we know and think because we're too afraid? The scriptures are replete with stories about those who kept or didn't keep their thoughts and actions aligned with God's.  Where did the thoughts of some take them?  Do we really think we are so superior as to have a different law of this universe given to us? When you think about the eternal perspective, without the same universal laws we are currently living under now; what thoughts and emotions will we think and feel? I can't yet imagine so great a blessing that will be. 
Elder Neil A. Maxwell said, (and I am not quoting) Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you have to give it a seat. Our thoughts are so powerful indeed that sometimes they can literally control whether we get out of bed or not.  Whether we want to interview for a job or not.  Whether we apply to college or not.  To get married or not.  To have kids or not.  To accept all that the prophet says, or not.  To believe the scriptures were written for us, or not. Concepts and thought can keep us trapped, even if its NOT what we really truly want to be.  Given time to meditate to find truth, you will realize even these simple thoughts can and DO determine destiny.  So what thoughts could you shift?  Who would you be without some of the thoughts you have? What thoughts are holding you back? Where are thoughts coming from?  The Holy Ghost?  Satan? What emotions will you be able to let go of once you change your thoughts? And more importantly what thoughts and emotions will you gain if you let go of others?

Step Two

Okay so I've written a few paragraphs about my past and a small glimmer of just one aspect of my circumstances growing up.  Does it define me? No.  Does it mean that I had horrible distant parents and siblings? No.  We felt love!  Even if we were poor at expressing it.  I am grateful for that.  I have been brought up by righteous, God fearing people who continue to try to do and be the best they can.  In a way they are ALL my greatest teachers, examples and cheerleaders.  I love them all and am grateful for the many positives they have emanated to me.  They are the voices inside my head.  My parents especially.  So although there were some aspects that were disappointing to me looking back, I am so much more of the beneficiary.  I realize what a privilege it was to grow up in a home where love did exist.  I felt it.  I am better for it. 
Having said that, my mind has turned to somewhat of a more positive frame of reference. A reference I hope to instill upon my children.  I hope that I can somehow translate the love I felt growing up and from what I feel in my home now, along with the words of love we speak, into a bit more.  The expressions of love I think is what I am aiming for.  I want them to know I love them not just because it was expected or told to them, but because they felt it.  I think one way to help accomplish this is to point out when they've decided out of love to sacrifice (be it- time, talents, money, etc.) for me or for another member of the family or even outside the family unit.  I want them to realize their actions of service and sacrifice come from a place of love.  Not obligation alone.  For "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."  Right?  Don't we believe that?  I do.  I know it to be true. 
Which also transcends into becoming aware and realizing everything we do comes from our heart.  Or not.  It is our choice. If we have a bad attitude and are only helping someone out of obligation, we don't usually grow or gain from the experience.  Sometimes it can happen.  Sometimes I think God in his omnipotence has a way of making sure we understand the magnitude..  Even when we fail to first realize it as an opportunity.  But what about when we turn ourselves off from God's love.  We have the power to choose this.  When we get trapped into feeling like we are the only ones serving, giving and sacrificing.  It's not so easy to feel God's love or love for someone else sometimes.  I know I am guilty of these thoughts and feelings.  Empathy is the word I am describing.  "What about me?"  "Why should I help her, when I am struggling with this myself?" "Can't they help themselves?"  GUIL-TY!!! Right here. 
I hope that as I am on my journey to become more self aware that I can create opportunities for my children to become self aware.  To help them understand that the "Why's" are more important.  Why do I want to help?  Why do I want to sacrifice?  Why do I want to love? 
I've also realized today that I am the one standing in my own way.  That keeping my "eye-on-the-prize" really does help.  If and when I deviate from a positive goal in life, a plethora of things in life will fill in the gaps.  I think it's partly why this generation of time is so hard. We NEVER have to be bored.  Satan isn't just sitting on the sidelines waiting for us to fail.  He has traps, distractions, temptations and confusion at every corner.  At every step.  And it's so easy to just look away.  To stop focusing on what really truly matters.  And sometimes even stop believing in what truly matters. Which of course leads to a world-wide epidemic.  Depression.  It's real.  It's brutal, hard and difficult to overcome.  But I like to believe that if you can reach a destination, you can also leave a destination. 
Choices matter.  Even little ones.  Perception matters.  Our hearts matter.  The "why's" of why we do things, matter.
In Lehi's dream, those who fell away and off to forbidden paths: stopped holding on, became distracted, became embarrassed, or didn't realize why they made it to the tree of life in the first place. 
I want my children to know why they should hold on. Knowing why partaking of God's love is important so they won't feel confused or ashamed afterward. That keeping our heart and our eyes on the Lord is a blessing.  That doing so will lead us to our eternal goal. Together. 

Step one

Follow up post from my last one:

I grew up being the youngest of 5.  In a home where privacy was a big priority.  We weren't allowed to spend any real amount of time in each others rooms.  Nor did we maybe want to.  Our comfort zones were important to us.  We didn't share feelings or even that we loved each other very often.  Rarely did we have "Family Home Evening" where occasionally my siblings would talk for hours on subjects way above my level of understanding being the youngest.  I learned from experience to become an observer.  I wasn't usually allowed to participate or didn't know how.  Yet I was terrified to be left alone.  I'd have nightmares for years between 5-10.  I hated being without someone I knew.  Yet when I was, I wanted to become invisible.  Slowly my walls began to be built.  I flew under the radar all through my elementary years.  I wasn't asked how I felt inside my home.  Ever.  My feelings did not matter.  Surviving the day emotionally was my parents and siblings priority.  So naturally I held my feelings inside.  Tightly.  To let them out would mean torture for my family.  They didn't want to hear it, or deal with it.  So when I grew to young adult and being asked how I felt, I really didn't know how to respond.  My walls were surely above my head at that point in life.  I didn't know how I felt because so many swells of emotions were literally just under the surface.  And risking my precious wall could mean some serious rebuilding.  Even now,  Jan 1, 2015, I don't have a mom or dad I could sit down with or call on the phone to just chat.  To discuss feelings would surely make them extremely uncomfortable.  Irritated and distant.  Looking for an escape.  I can see it now.  I don't have siblings I feel I could call at the drop of a hat to see how they are doing or to discuss how I may be feeling.  Its so sad to me.  I barely know my siblings.  I wouldn't have a clue if something life changing may about to happen with them.  For good or bad.  Nor would they know about any such news from me.  On a positive side to that coin however is we never fight.  There is nothing to fight about really.  Maybe petty things like schedules or differences in opinion for what to have for Sunday dinner.  This must be some of the reason why I struggle health wise.  My throat is again tight as I write this.  I could cry if I allowed it.  I won't.  Not right now.  I refuse to cry in front of others.  And when it does occasionally slip out I run and hide.  My poor husband hates when I do this.  It is childish behavior to run and hide, but its like a natural reaction.  I flee. 
Learning to be an observer had its advantages though.  I mean, I learned from others experience what I did or did not want to do or become.  I was able to convert those observations into action most of the time.  I was also labeled a good listener by many of my friends.  I have been told that I am so accepting and non judge-mental.  That I can see the clear picture from the beginning.  That I have great perspective in life.  All good qualities that I do see in myself and do appreciate.  My Patriarchal blessings tells me to learn from the way I was raised in my home.  And that I would help many of women of the church (LDS) and that many would bless my name.  It also promises that if I live the Word of Wisdom I will go thru life free from serious illness and disease.  AMAZING promise that I truly cherish.  Admitting is the first step to recovery right?  Well here it is.  In black and white.   

"Anyway"

So I had an amazing conversation with a close friend I've had since 9th grade.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  No one makes me laugh harder than she does and I have so many good, wonderful memories with her.  Her name is April Bodell Berezay.  I could probably make an entire post about how much I absolutely love this girl and the precious memories I have with her.  However, I'll save that for another time.  This particular conversation we had was a quick maybe 40 minute phone call.  I had requested some of her wise knowledge in personal training in regards to my personal health.  It seems my body doesn't want to release some of the weight I've loaded it with over the years despite my best efforts.  She went on to give me some useful workout tips and eating guidelines which during these two week holidays have proved to be too hard.  OOPS!  I desperately want to live a healthier happier life, but have made many excuses and "holidays" are not above such use!! ;)  I also explained and wondered about a possible thyroid problem.  Along with not being able to lose weight, I am constantly cold, and have thin fine hair.  3 huge proponents of the disease.  And an added bonus constant cold sores from mounting stress....
Towards the end of our helpful and delightful conversation she mentioned that I had used the word 'anyway' "A LOT!!" she said.  I was a bit taken back to be honest.  I little confused but self aware all at the same time.  I could feel my cheeks getting hot.  I could sense some unrest deep deep down into my soul.  She was right.  I did say that word.  And I did say it A LOT!  Good gravy I say it all the freaking time.  I don't even REALIZE that I say it most of the time.  Anyway, (he he he) but really... she continued to explain that the way I use this word promotes the impression that I seem to be apologizing for whatever I may have just said.  And that somewhere along the line my subconscious believes that to be true.  She asked me to think about how I feel when I say that word.  How does my throat feel?  How important do I feel in that moment?  And well, you may imagine how it must've made me feel to be so easily predicted and figured out.  I broke down to tears.  I have fought so hard most of my life to build walls.  Walls to protect myself.  Walls to keep my feelings safe.  She saw right thru them... leaving me so vulnerable.  I was at a loss for words to say the least.  I could barely communicate thru the rest of the phone call.  I just wanted to crawl in a closet and cry it out.  I was also so shocked at her ease at finding such a simple detail in my life.  What else might there be to find?  In her wealth of knowledge and her ability to also ease my pained heart she explained how our subconscious is fed information.  If for example we are in love with white jeeps... what will we begin to see all over the road?  White jeeps.  Or if I tell my children not to sit on the couch when I know that is where they want to sit... what will they most likely do?  Sit on the couch.  I've put the visual of not only the couch in their mind but to not sit on it too.  Their subconscious is focused on the couch and how they do want to sit on it.  Their subconscious will find evidence to prove that.  Like, "see that couch, you love that couch, sit on it..." forgetting what I have instructed.    Instead I should direct them to what I do want them to do. Like please sit on the floor!  Again, our subconscious will find evidence to prove ourselves right.  Even if it is evidence that proves something negative about ourselves or for ourselves.  Our brains are just that smart.  Shifting our mindsets are not an easy task.  It takes time.  Lots of time and practice.  We have to match what we see with what we want and what we tell ourselves.  Instead of focusing on not being heard because whatever I say isn't important; its about focusing on and visualizing myself saying things that are important because I am valuable.  What I have experienced and learned is valuable.   Despite seeing (visualizing) that when I speak certain valuable people in my life don't seem to be interested.  Or change the subject without apology or notice.  Or those same people don't ask questions or comment on whatever I've said at all.  They seemingly don't care..  Which makes me feel less valuable.  Burning that image or the image of the conversation in my mind forever.  Building that wall even higher.
My throat is so tight even as I write this.  I feel like I want to cry and fall apart in my closet.  My mind has a sickness.  The words I use, "anyway", "whatever", or "never mind" are creating havoc on my thyroid and my overall health.
I am so grateful to April for her honesty.  Her knowledge and her willingness to share it.  For my benefit.  I do feel a tad overwhelmed at the thought of eradicating this type of thought process but at this point it does out weigh the way I feel now.  I can't continue this way.  I am forever thankful for my dear friend.