I am not sure why I always pick the worst time to update my blog. I am currently sitting on my unmade bed, hair still dripping from the shower I just took (ahem at 3:30 in the afternoon)... and I have to work in one hour from now. My thoughts lately have been a bit more somber and down trodden. I feel as though a storm of thoughts swirls in my mind like a tornado. Sometimes touching down to the depths of my soul making me shed uncontrollable tears and other times retreating into the dark cloudy gloom where I remain silent a lot. I am not sure why I am so sad. It's never one specific thing in my life which brings me down, but rather a compilation of things I can't seem to shake. Sometimes they can even be as simple as mere perceptions I carry. At best. Sad music draws me in to these darker places. I crave it almost. It helps me really fall into these moments. The power of music is real to me. Like it is to so many others. For good or bad.
I've felt like a big fat failure most of this school year. I decided to home school my three children which truthfully wasn't all bad, but the bad definitely out weighs the good in my case. I hit rock bottom and I am trying to float back up for breath.
My sister in law whom I care deeply about went through hell and back with her now ex-husband and is currently (not even one year later) engaged to another fellow I have serious reservations about. As much as I realize it's not my life nor my business. I worry so much about her. I love her. She is so much like a sister to me. We grew up together and I have so many fond memories of her.
This world we live in is so corrupt and so very disturbing. My heart breaks each evening I choose to watch the news. I hate that so much fear is infiltrating my soul. I feel afraid to let my kids out of my sight. I mourn at the thought of what trials they will have to face. So many many sad and horrible things.
These past two years I've worked my body and brain into the ground physically. I am proud of where I've come, but I don't know if I've managed to figure out when I'll be satisfied? I know comparison is the thief of joy. I've heard this more times than I can count. However, I compare. It's something my brain does without even trying. I wish it was something I was mentally stronger about. It affects so many other areas of my life. It can make me avoid phone calls, text messages, social situations, work, intimacy, etc. It feels like a huge heavy weight I can't seem to drop.
I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me beyond any measure I ever expected to receive. No matter how I've looked or felt physically, he has accepted me and reassured me of my beauty and worth. I owe him my life for this. I can honestly say I probably rarely believe him deep down, but I so appreciate him never giving up on me. I look at his perfectly chiseled body, his winning personality, his enthusiasm and drive for excellence and get confused about how I could have ended up with someone so unimaginably perfect. I feel like I have to hold myself to a higher standard being the one on his arm. I feel I need to compare myself in order to feel like I actually do belong there.
I realize these thoughts aren't normal everyday thoughts. And that somebody out there might worry about me, but then I realize we all feel these pressures and weights bearing down on us. Threatening to crush our very existence. I am not alone in my thoughts. It's a chronic sickness I carry. Literally. One day, I may choose to kick this sickness to the curb. Right now I don't seem to have the will power. I am not giving up the war, but I have definitely lost this battle.
