For years I've been taught to be grateful. Grateful for the all things I have and all the things I don't necessarily realize on a daily basis.. Like clean water, running toilets, warm showers or fresh air to breathe, etc.. I get that it's super important to be grateful. I've realized that being grateful also means choosing to be happy even and especially when things don't go our way. Super hard. My husband and I purchased home about a year and half ago which we felt was meant to be our home. Inspired you might say. Was it perfect? No. Did it check all the boxes? No. However the most important (to us) were checked... We recently decided to tour an Ivory Homes model home. BIG mistake. Such a tease. Rob was even more enamored by the thought of owning such a home. He also got a significant raise recently with huge bonus possibilities in the future. YAY for us!! So something weird happened where all of the sudden what we lived in felt like a cave. A dirty old cave to be exact. Clouding the reality of gratitude we once felt for it. And all of the sudden we felt like we "deserved" a house like the model we toured. I know what you are thinking... I think it now as I regurgitate this process into words... UNGRATEFUL little brats!!!
Having gone thru the approval process on our existing home to actually closing on the house was no short of a miracle. We absolutely LOVE the neighborhood and the location and for the most part adore the people in it. We are so close to everything; stores, freeways, friends and family. What could possible be wrong you might ask?? Nothing really. I mean, we would love an updated version of our home. New kitchen, bathrooms, flooring, trim (molding), oh and a third car garage. Not at all reasons to feel ungrateful.
Another example: my van. Dumpy, old, abused and broken it is. Looking back I remember it being my choice. I seemed super excited and ready to be a "van mom". What the? Someone should've slapped me back to reality.
Now I know this example seems pretty ungrateful sounding right? Well I've got the twist for both examples. Really, I do.
I digress; back to my pity party. I loathe the vehicle to be perfectly honest. I feel as though it is a dark, filthy, week old french fry ridden black hole of a van. I even feel "old" driving it. When did I decide to completely lose my identity I often think to myself.
BUT.... alas both these decisions felt right at the time. Both have brought tremendous blessings. Both continue to make my life a million times easier than it was prior to having them. I've had a bit of an awakening lately.
For about 6-9 months bipolar type thoughts have swirled in and out of my mind seemingly without effort. One minute I am unsatisfied and depressed about parts of my life. The next minute I am exactly opposite. I see others around my age with so much more. Never assuming they think these same things. I mean, how could they? Everything the have is perfect. House, cars, yard, kids, bodies, clothes, makeup, etc................ I get sucked into this trap and it is so hard to pull out of it sometimes. I start to think irrationally almost. Like if I worked harder or had a different job or worked out longer or more often surely I could have such things too. I try and solve my own MADE UP "problems"... OH BROTHER! Ungrateful. Shameful even. Especially again, as I confess these things out loud. Am I alone in this self loathing, selfish attitude? I am NOT proud to admit such things. But, admitting is the first step to recovery right?! :)
After a light-hearted conversation with a client whom I barely know much about nor have I known her for a very long time spoke with such certainty. We both expressed things we wish we could change in our lives and things we might struggle with monetarily. But in the end her attitude just melted my selfish mantel away. I realized how selfishly I spoke and how I justified my excuses to myself. Feeling sorry for myself comes easily. She helped me realize that what I have is enough. In fact, an answered heartfelt prayer I once begged for. That many, thousands upon thousands happily live on and with MUCH less. So what if I want a new kitchen. So what if my house doesn't look like it came out of a 'Better Homes and Garden' magazine. Or that my van may squeal all the way downt the road. I have a home that is filled with love and compassion. Where memories are being made and we can feel the spirit. My car gets me from point A to point B, with working A/C and heat, depending on the weather. One of the doors opens with the push of a button for pete sakes... So what if it doesn't shine and sparkle. So what if I look "old" when I drive it. Who cares? And if anyone out there does, why should I care that they care?? GET OVER IT!! Good grief. I am sure Heavenly Father must be shaking His all knowing head at my selfishness all the time. I can do better. I want to think healthy positive thoughts about my life. I want to constantly feel grateful for the blessing I have. Even if they are different from someone else's.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Schedules
As I sit here and begin to write, my home seems to be beckoning me to "come clean me!!!" in desperation. I know my house looks like a dump currently. I know I have worked hard the last two days at my job which has taken me away from my responsibilities around the house. I feel guilty over it too. Even though I would also feel guilt over not making money to support our lifestyle needs/wants. Sometimes the responsibilities we have on ourselves is daunting. Which is exactly how I feel at the moment. I've learned in my 32 years of life that when I become so overwhelmed I tend to shut down. Sometimes I wind up taking a nap, playing on my phone, reading a captivating book, or of course writing as I am now. I don't know what is wrong with me that makes me shut down. That the total disaster in each room screaming for attention just makes me shrink back and want to close the doors of my home and forget about real life for awhile.
Why? WHY do I do this? I realize I am probably not alone in this behavior.
I run a business (salon) out of my home and frequently people ask me how I do it?? Meaning, how do I possibly keep a home, stay in shape, run kids to and from every earthly activity possible, run a business where I am the only employee, continue to keep the flame of love lit in my marriage and serve in my church calling? My answer... Uuummmm.... literally its just uuuummmmmm.... I don't have an answer for it. I honestly don't know how I manage to accomplish all that I have stewardship over or for. Let me tell what I do know...
I do know that I am completely exhausted most days. I suppose I could have a better systematic answer. I have a white board calendar that I desperately try to keep up to date. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone benefits from it but hey, makes my head hold less so I continue to update it. I also have a calendar in my phone that I basically couldn't live without. All my work is scheduled through my phone. Probably not the smartest idea to keep my work "eggs" all in one basket; that at any moment could disappear in the blink of an eye. But hey, again, it's less knowledge I have to keep in my seemingly tiny brain.
I do know that I'd love to be the stay at home mom who bakes amazing treats, meals and extra to share with my neighbors. I'd love to spend 2-3 hours in the gym everyday. I'd also love to become a scriptorian (sp)? An expert if you will in knowing what's in the scriptures, and what they are trying to tell and teach. I mean, I know the basics, I get the over all understanding of Christ's message in the scriptures, but I'd love to be an expert. I'd love to have a home that is dust free, freshly vacuumed and mopped. A home where you didn't have to wonder if a guest using your restroom even has toilet paper much less a clean toilet. Where you always had enough clean spoons in a well manicured silverware drawer instead of the one that basically attacks upon opening.
These are some things that I do know about my time, and my life that I seem to be "managing". I have so much to be grateful for. But, sometimes a good vent is good for the soul. I can't hold everything up and together forever. I'm only human. One that has good intentions as well, but human non the less. SO... if you are feeling down in the dumps or depressed about your life and all the responsibilities you carry. Fear not, you're not alone. And when some other desperate soul asks you "how you do it?" just think of my uuuummmm.... LOL ;) and that I think for now it's okay not to have all the answers.
This too shall pass. Carry on!
Why? WHY do I do this? I realize I am probably not alone in this behavior.
I run a business (salon) out of my home and frequently people ask me how I do it?? Meaning, how do I possibly keep a home, stay in shape, run kids to and from every earthly activity possible, run a business where I am the only employee, continue to keep the flame of love lit in my marriage and serve in my church calling? My answer... Uuummmm.... literally its just uuuummmmmm.... I don't have an answer for it. I honestly don't know how I manage to accomplish all that I have stewardship over or for. Let me tell what I do know...
I do know that I am completely exhausted most days. I suppose I could have a better systematic answer. I have a white board calendar that I desperately try to keep up to date. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone benefits from it but hey, makes my head hold less so I continue to update it. I also have a calendar in my phone that I basically couldn't live without. All my work is scheduled through my phone. Probably not the smartest idea to keep my work "eggs" all in one basket; that at any moment could disappear in the blink of an eye. But hey, again, it's less knowledge I have to keep in my seemingly tiny brain.
I do know that I'd love to be the stay at home mom who bakes amazing treats, meals and extra to share with my neighbors. I'd love to spend 2-3 hours in the gym everyday. I'd also love to become a scriptorian (sp)? An expert if you will in knowing what's in the scriptures, and what they are trying to tell and teach. I mean, I know the basics, I get the over all understanding of Christ's message in the scriptures, but I'd love to be an expert. I'd love to have a home that is dust free, freshly vacuumed and mopped. A home where you didn't have to wonder if a guest using your restroom even has toilet paper much less a clean toilet. Where you always had enough clean spoons in a well manicured silverware drawer instead of the one that basically attacks upon opening.
These are some things that I do know about my time, and my life that I seem to be "managing". I have so much to be grateful for. But, sometimes a good vent is good for the soul. I can't hold everything up and together forever. I'm only human. One that has good intentions as well, but human non the less. SO... if you are feeling down in the dumps or depressed about your life and all the responsibilities you carry. Fear not, you're not alone. And when some other desperate soul asks you "how you do it?" just think of my uuuummmm.... LOL ;) and that I think for now it's okay not to have all the answers.
This too shall pass. Carry on!
Thursday, October 2, 2014
The old cliche is true... Time really does fly.
SO apparently, I am NO good at blogging whether with posed questions to answer or random topics or experiences in my life... just as I am no good at knowing where my journals are located when I feel like writing. I have several journals and I rotate writing in them depending on which is easiest to find. HAHA! It continues to make me frustrated at the thought of things not being jotted down in chronological order however but... oh well. Some things I just can't stress about.
Other things are much heavier on my mind currently that I don't actually have a whole lot of thought behind anything I might write, but still feels heavy none the less.
Recently church news has spiraled from homosexuality preference issues to women thinking they need the priesthood to feel equal to men. I know the world we live in mixed with the gospel I grew up in (LDS) has room for much gray area. Some things are clearly black and white as well. When it comes to these two hot topics, coupled with my limited knowledge of the scriptures, I don't see the gray area as much as others seem to. I wonder sometimes how people see it so differently. Mostly because I admit to being a simple minded person. Judge how you will. I get that the gray areas seem to creep in or sometimes crash as a tide when these things involve people we love. Sometimes when I hear someone "came out of the closet" or is now supporting "ordain women" it doesn't surprise me one bit. And other times it feels like I had my head slammed in the door by surprise. In both instances it has never changed my love or affection for either person. I do however still believe the act of those feelings or inclinations to be a sin against God. Men (and women) are free to choose yes, but I believe when you are baptized that choice is made. And some may say well how can you know at 8 years old? Maybe I didn't fully understand my choice at 8 years of age, but each week I partake of the sacrament is basically the same promise. So over the thousands of times I have recommitted to those same baptismal covenants I cannot claim ignorance. I know what I signed up for. I am glad I did, and now have unwavering faith about that decision in my youth. That choice brought wisdom in ways I didn't recognize but do now. I don't believe them to be man's laws. But Gods laws. I don't think Moses was just a man who had a good idea to etch 10 commandments on stone. Nor do I think Joseph Smith was just a good kid trying to win a popularity contest in proclaiming what he saw and heard. I have faith that those men and many others were God's prophets... it's just what I choose to believe. I understand others do not. I also don't pretend to know all things or have a perfect knowledge of anything. I trust, believe and have faith in the Lord's chosen prophets. Past and present. I realize that what I am saying is highly unpopular and people will most likely see me as some kind of "blind believer" and I am willing to live with that. I don't aspire to the honors of men. Or at least I do my best to be honest about not doing so. I am sure in other instances or situations I may be guilty of such.
I am currently serving in the Young Women program in the LDS church for the first time as a leader in my life. It is quite overwhelming to be honest. I feel a much heavier weight with this calling than any other. I suppose it is because this world just isn't the same one as when I was a young adult. I feel a bit unprepared to know how to help these adorable young women with the challenges they face. Especially as this age group is on the cusp of their own growing sensitive testimonies. Nevertheless, I will trust that God can help me be a mouthpiece for good somehow. In working thru my personal progress book this time around, we have been challenged to memorize "The Living Christ". Now let me be clear... I highly doubt my mom brain will be able to accomplish this, but I am willing to work on it. Today as I was again reading it; some words stuck out in my mind... "He went about doing good, yet was despised for it." (Acts 10:38). So to me that says, even He (who was perfect, whose message was perfect) was persecuted. Why should we think our road or our lot would be any more easy? I believe the message of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" is from Him. That it is the same message or gospel I believe He brought while living as a mortal man on earth. The baton if you will has been passed to us. It is of course still His race and He is in charge. We are a small part of the "race" that He started. (No I don't think it is a literal race). That He is counting on us to help finish. To usher in His return. And let me be clear His power is amazing and yes I believe He has the power to start and finish this race all by Himself. But then our agency would not be needed and therefore our purpose here would be futile. He wants to see who is willing to follow. Be it "blinded" as well. Plenty of people in the scriptures knew not the meaning of the things they were required to do, but did them anyway. I don't see why we should be more privileged than them. I don't feel more righteous or worthy for such trials to be passed from me.
I believe there are thousands of amazing, wonderful, faithful, (so faithful) Christian people out in the world. LDS or not. I mean, across the board, fabulous people trying to the best they can to follow Christ and invite others to do the same. I admire and want to be like them as well. "Where much is given, much is required"... the knowledge, testimony and gospel I have been taught is tremendous. It is rich in wisdom, deep in doctrine and wide enough to stretch into the eternities. For this I am extremely grateful and feel extremely privileged. I know some would choose to characterize my feelings on the matter as "blindly following" and that is up to them to decide. Judge me all you want. Only I know what truth has been revealed to me thru the Holy Ghost to my heart and mind. No one can rationalize it away. No one can tempt me with something other that what God has given.
For example... when I was a young adult I was very interested in the idea of alcohol. Even though I was taught my entire life to avoid it. At first it was more of a curiosity to just "see what it tasted like" I would say. Then it became more consuming like, "I wonder what kind of drunk I would be..." or "I wonder how much alcohol it would take to get myself drunk" etc... Lots of curiosity looming around me for a few years. I had a few friends with the same interests as me. When we were together we would have these conversations. The Lord knew my heart and my thoughts. Somehow, I never partook. Small miracle in that fact looking back. Deep down I knew it really wouldn't serve me or make my life somehow better. Nor was it something I truly wanted to participate in the rest of my life. Mere curiosity at best. Then came time for my patriarchal blessing. (An extremely large decision to make as a member of the LDS faith. I can expound on at a different time.) And you guessed it... the Lord literally spoke to me in those few minutes of oration. I felt so loved in that moment. I knew that all along the Lord had been with me. Thru the good times and the bad. I have to admit shame also entered my heart as I was guilty of desiring something that I knew without a doubt wouldn't serve me. But the Lord in His loving way chose to help me see in my blessing the better choice. And not just what that choice should be, but the why's of it. Following His council to obey "The Word of Wisdom" as has been revealed to His prophets in our day has been a tremendous blessing. I feel truly grateful to this day that He admonished me at that time. I think my life could have dramatically changed if I hadn't had a strong enough will to follow faithfully. So again, no amount of alcohol, peer pressure could or will change what I know is true. I think sometimes people forget what is true. Myself included in certain times or situations. How grateful I am and we should all be for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Do I think I am better person because of it? Maybe. But not because I think I am better than someone else who may or may not have. Simply because, I chose to follow the prophets voice and I now feel better off for it. Does that make sense? And hind sight is always 20/20 right?!
Okay I am tired and running out of time to write. Again, probably not brave enough to "share" this entry but at least it's written, out of my head, and testifying to me again of truth. God be thanked for his matchless love.
Other things are much heavier on my mind currently that I don't actually have a whole lot of thought behind anything I might write, but still feels heavy none the less.
Recently church news has spiraled from homosexuality preference issues to women thinking they need the priesthood to feel equal to men. I know the world we live in mixed with the gospel I grew up in (LDS) has room for much gray area. Some things are clearly black and white as well. When it comes to these two hot topics, coupled with my limited knowledge of the scriptures, I don't see the gray area as much as others seem to. I wonder sometimes how people see it so differently. Mostly because I admit to being a simple minded person. Judge how you will. I get that the gray areas seem to creep in or sometimes crash as a tide when these things involve people we love. Sometimes when I hear someone "came out of the closet" or is now supporting "ordain women" it doesn't surprise me one bit. And other times it feels like I had my head slammed in the door by surprise. In both instances it has never changed my love or affection for either person. I do however still believe the act of those feelings or inclinations to be a sin against God. Men (and women) are free to choose yes, but I believe when you are baptized that choice is made. And some may say well how can you know at 8 years old? Maybe I didn't fully understand my choice at 8 years of age, but each week I partake of the sacrament is basically the same promise. So over the thousands of times I have recommitted to those same baptismal covenants I cannot claim ignorance. I know what I signed up for. I am glad I did, and now have unwavering faith about that decision in my youth. That choice brought wisdom in ways I didn't recognize but do now. I don't believe them to be man's laws. But Gods laws. I don't think Moses was just a man who had a good idea to etch 10 commandments on stone. Nor do I think Joseph Smith was just a good kid trying to win a popularity contest in proclaiming what he saw and heard. I have faith that those men and many others were God's prophets... it's just what I choose to believe. I understand others do not. I also don't pretend to know all things or have a perfect knowledge of anything. I trust, believe and have faith in the Lord's chosen prophets. Past and present. I realize that what I am saying is highly unpopular and people will most likely see me as some kind of "blind believer" and I am willing to live with that. I don't aspire to the honors of men. Or at least I do my best to be honest about not doing so. I am sure in other instances or situations I may be guilty of such.
I am currently serving in the Young Women program in the LDS church for the first time as a leader in my life. It is quite overwhelming to be honest. I feel a much heavier weight with this calling than any other. I suppose it is because this world just isn't the same one as when I was a young adult. I feel a bit unprepared to know how to help these adorable young women with the challenges they face. Especially as this age group is on the cusp of their own growing sensitive testimonies. Nevertheless, I will trust that God can help me be a mouthpiece for good somehow. In working thru my personal progress book this time around, we have been challenged to memorize "The Living Christ". Now let me be clear... I highly doubt my mom brain will be able to accomplish this, but I am willing to work on it. Today as I was again reading it; some words stuck out in my mind... "He went about doing good, yet was despised for it." (Acts 10:38). So to me that says, even He (who was perfect, whose message was perfect) was persecuted. Why should we think our road or our lot would be any more easy? I believe the message of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" is from Him. That it is the same message or gospel I believe He brought while living as a mortal man on earth. The baton if you will has been passed to us. It is of course still His race and He is in charge. We are a small part of the "race" that He started. (No I don't think it is a literal race). That He is counting on us to help finish. To usher in His return. And let me be clear His power is amazing and yes I believe He has the power to start and finish this race all by Himself. But then our agency would not be needed and therefore our purpose here would be futile. He wants to see who is willing to follow. Be it "blinded" as well. Plenty of people in the scriptures knew not the meaning of the things they were required to do, but did them anyway. I don't see why we should be more privileged than them. I don't feel more righteous or worthy for such trials to be passed from me.
I believe there are thousands of amazing, wonderful, faithful, (so faithful) Christian people out in the world. LDS or not. I mean, across the board, fabulous people trying to the best they can to follow Christ and invite others to do the same. I admire and want to be like them as well. "Where much is given, much is required"... the knowledge, testimony and gospel I have been taught is tremendous. It is rich in wisdom, deep in doctrine and wide enough to stretch into the eternities. For this I am extremely grateful and feel extremely privileged. I know some would choose to characterize my feelings on the matter as "blindly following" and that is up to them to decide. Judge me all you want. Only I know what truth has been revealed to me thru the Holy Ghost to my heart and mind. No one can rationalize it away. No one can tempt me with something other that what God has given.
For example... when I was a young adult I was very interested in the idea of alcohol. Even though I was taught my entire life to avoid it. At first it was more of a curiosity to just "see what it tasted like" I would say. Then it became more consuming like, "I wonder what kind of drunk I would be..." or "I wonder how much alcohol it would take to get myself drunk" etc... Lots of curiosity looming around me for a few years. I had a few friends with the same interests as me. When we were together we would have these conversations. The Lord knew my heart and my thoughts. Somehow, I never partook. Small miracle in that fact looking back. Deep down I knew it really wouldn't serve me or make my life somehow better. Nor was it something I truly wanted to participate in the rest of my life. Mere curiosity at best. Then came time for my patriarchal blessing. (An extremely large decision to make as a member of the LDS faith. I can expound on at a different time.) And you guessed it... the Lord literally spoke to me in those few minutes of oration. I felt so loved in that moment. I knew that all along the Lord had been with me. Thru the good times and the bad. I have to admit shame also entered my heart as I was guilty of desiring something that I knew without a doubt wouldn't serve me. But the Lord in His loving way chose to help me see in my blessing the better choice. And not just what that choice should be, but the why's of it. Following His council to obey "The Word of Wisdom" as has been revealed to His prophets in our day has been a tremendous blessing. I feel truly grateful to this day that He admonished me at that time. I think my life could have dramatically changed if I hadn't had a strong enough will to follow faithfully. So again, no amount of alcohol, peer pressure could or will change what I know is true. I think sometimes people forget what is true. Myself included in certain times or situations. How grateful I am and we should all be for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Do I think I am better person because of it? Maybe. But not because I think I am better than someone else who may or may not have. Simply because, I chose to follow the prophets voice and I now feel better off for it. Does that make sense? And hind sight is always 20/20 right?!
Okay I am tired and running out of time to write. Again, probably not brave enough to "share" this entry but at least it's written, out of my head, and testifying to me again of truth. God be thanked for his matchless love.
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