"Anyway"

So I had an amazing conversation with a close friend I've had since 9th grade.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  No one makes me laugh harder than she does and I have so many good, wonderful memories with her.  Her name is April Bodell Berezay.  I could probably make an entire post about how much I absolutely love this girl and the precious memories I have with her.  However, I'll save that for another time.  This particular conversation we had was a quick maybe 40 minute phone call.  I had requested some of her wise knowledge in personal training in regards to my personal health.  It seems my body doesn't want to release some of the weight I've loaded it with over the years despite my best efforts.  She went on to give me some useful workout tips and eating guidelines which during these two week holidays have proved to be too hard.  OOPS!  I desperately want to live a healthier happier life, but have made many excuses and "holidays" are not above such use!! ;)  I also explained and wondered about a possible thyroid problem.  Along with not being able to lose weight, I am constantly cold, and have thin fine hair.  3 huge proponents of the disease.  And an added bonus constant cold sores from mounting stress....
Towards the end of our helpful and delightful conversation she mentioned that I had used the word 'anyway' "A LOT!!" she said.  I was a bit taken back to be honest.  I little confused but self aware all at the same time.  I could feel my cheeks getting hot.  I could sense some unrest deep deep down into my soul.  She was right.  I did say that word.  And I did say it A LOT!  Good gravy I say it all the freaking time.  I don't even REALIZE that I say it most of the time.  Anyway, (he he he) but really... she continued to explain that the way I use this word promotes the impression that I seem to be apologizing for whatever I may have just said.  And that somewhere along the line my subconscious believes that to be true.  She asked me to think about how I feel when I say that word.  How does my throat feel?  How important do I feel in that moment?  And well, you may imagine how it must've made me feel to be so easily predicted and figured out.  I broke down to tears.  I have fought so hard most of my life to build walls.  Walls to protect myself.  Walls to keep my feelings safe.  She saw right thru them... leaving me so vulnerable.  I was at a loss for words to say the least.  I could barely communicate thru the rest of the phone call.  I just wanted to crawl in a closet and cry it out.  I was also so shocked at her ease at finding such a simple detail in my life.  What else might there be to find?  In her wealth of knowledge and her ability to also ease my pained heart she explained how our subconscious is fed information.  If for example we are in love with white jeeps... what will we begin to see all over the road?  White jeeps.  Or if I tell my children not to sit on the couch when I know that is where they want to sit... what will they most likely do?  Sit on the couch.  I've put the visual of not only the couch in their mind but to not sit on it too.  Their subconscious is focused on the couch and how they do want to sit on it.  Their subconscious will find evidence to prove that.  Like, "see that couch, you love that couch, sit on it..." forgetting what I have instructed.    Instead I should direct them to what I do want them to do. Like please sit on the floor!  Again, our subconscious will find evidence to prove ourselves right.  Even if it is evidence that proves something negative about ourselves or for ourselves.  Our brains are just that smart.  Shifting our mindsets are not an easy task.  It takes time.  Lots of time and practice.  We have to match what we see with what we want and what we tell ourselves.  Instead of focusing on not being heard because whatever I say isn't important; its about focusing on and visualizing myself saying things that are important because I am valuable.  What I have experienced and learned is valuable.   Despite seeing (visualizing) that when I speak certain valuable people in my life don't seem to be interested.  Or change the subject without apology or notice.  Or those same people don't ask questions or comment on whatever I've said at all.  They seemingly don't care..  Which makes me feel less valuable.  Burning that image or the image of the conversation in my mind forever.  Building that wall even higher.
My throat is so tight even as I write this.  I feel like I want to cry and fall apart in my closet.  My mind has a sickness.  The words I use, "anyway", "whatever", or "never mind" are creating havoc on my thyroid and my overall health.
I am so grateful to April for her honesty.  Her knowledge and her willingness to share it.  For my benefit.  I do feel a tad overwhelmed at the thought of eradicating this type of thought process but at this point it does out weigh the way I feel now.  I can't continue this way.  I am forever thankful for my dear friend.