Okay so I've written a few paragraphs about my past and a small glimmer of just one aspect of my circumstances growing up. Does it define me? No. Does it mean that I had horrible distant parents and siblings? No. We felt love! Even if we were poor at expressing it. I am grateful for that. I have been brought up by righteous, God fearing people who continue to try to do and be the best they can. In a way they are ALL my greatest teachers, examples and cheerleaders. I love them all and am grateful for the many positives they have emanated to me. They are the voices inside my head. My parents especially. So although there were some aspects that were disappointing to me looking back, I am so much more of the beneficiary. I realize what a privilege it was to grow up in a home where love did exist. I felt it. I am better for it.
Having said that, my mind has turned to somewhat of a more positive frame of reference. A reference I hope to instill upon my children. I hope that I can somehow translate the love I felt growing up and from what I feel in my home now, along with the words of love we speak, into a bit more. The expressions of love I think is what I am aiming for. I want them to know I love them not just because it was expected or told to them, but because they felt it. I think one way to help accomplish this is to point out when they've decided out of love to sacrifice (be it- time, talents, money, etc.) for me or for another member of the family or even outside the family unit. I want them to realize their actions of service and sacrifice come from a place of love. Not obligation alone. For "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." Right? Don't we believe that? I do. I know it to be true.
Which also transcends into becoming aware and realizing everything we do comes from our heart. Or not. It is our choice. If we have a bad attitude and are only helping someone out of obligation, we don't usually grow or gain from the experience. Sometimes it can happen. Sometimes I think God in his omnipotence has a way of making sure we understand the magnitude.. Even when we fail to first realize it as an opportunity. But what about when we turn ourselves off from God's love. We have the power to choose this. When we get trapped into feeling like we are the only ones serving, giving and sacrificing. It's not so easy to feel God's love or love for someone else sometimes. I know I am guilty of these thoughts and feelings. Empathy is the word I am describing. "What about me?" "Why should I help her, when I am struggling with this myself?" "Can't they help themselves?" GUIL-TY!!! Right here.
I hope that as I am on my journey to become more self aware that I can create opportunities for my children to become self aware. To help them understand that the "Why's" are more important. Why do I want to help? Why do I want to sacrifice? Why do I want to love?
I've also realized today that I am the one standing in my own way. That keeping my "eye-on-the-prize" really does help. If and when I deviate from a positive goal in life, a plethora of things in life will fill in the gaps. I think it's partly why this generation of time is so hard. We NEVER have to be bored. Satan isn't just sitting on the sidelines waiting for us to fail. He has traps, distractions, temptations and confusion at every corner. At every step. And it's so easy to just look away. To stop focusing on what really truly matters. And sometimes even stop believing in what truly matters. Which of course leads to a world-wide epidemic. Depression. It's real. It's brutal, hard and difficult to overcome. But I like to believe that if you can reach a destination, you can also leave a destination.
Choices matter. Even little ones. Perception matters. Our hearts matter. The "why's" of why we do things, matter.
In Lehi's dream, those who fell away and off to forbidden paths: stopped holding on, became distracted, became embarrassed, or didn't realize why they made it to the tree of life in the first place.
I want my children to know why they should hold on. Knowing why partaking of God's love is important so they won't feel confused or ashamed afterward. That keeping our heart and our eyes on the Lord is a blessing. That doing so will lead us to our eternal goal. Together.
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