Step one

Follow up post from my last one:

I grew up being the youngest of 5.  In a home where privacy was a big priority.  We weren't allowed to spend any real amount of time in each others rooms.  Nor did we maybe want to.  Our comfort zones were important to us.  We didn't share feelings or even that we loved each other very often.  Rarely did we have "Family Home Evening" where occasionally my siblings would talk for hours on subjects way above my level of understanding being the youngest.  I learned from experience to become an observer.  I wasn't usually allowed to participate or didn't know how.  Yet I was terrified to be left alone.  I'd have nightmares for years between 5-10.  I hated being without someone I knew.  Yet when I was, I wanted to become invisible.  Slowly my walls began to be built.  I flew under the radar all through my elementary years.  I wasn't asked how I felt inside my home.  Ever.  My feelings did not matter.  Surviving the day emotionally was my parents and siblings priority.  So naturally I held my feelings inside.  Tightly.  To let them out would mean torture for my family.  They didn't want to hear it, or deal with it.  So when I grew to young adult and being asked how I felt, I really didn't know how to respond.  My walls were surely above my head at that point in life.  I didn't know how I felt because so many swells of emotions were literally just under the surface.  And risking my precious wall could mean some serious rebuilding.  Even now,  Jan 1, 2015, I don't have a mom or dad I could sit down with or call on the phone to just chat.  To discuss feelings would surely make them extremely uncomfortable.  Irritated and distant.  Looking for an escape.  I can see it now.  I don't have siblings I feel I could call at the drop of a hat to see how they are doing or to discuss how I may be feeling.  Its so sad to me.  I barely know my siblings.  I wouldn't have a clue if something life changing may about to happen with them.  For good or bad.  Nor would they know about any such news from me.  On a positive side to that coin however is we never fight.  There is nothing to fight about really.  Maybe petty things like schedules or differences in opinion for what to have for Sunday dinner.  This must be some of the reason why I struggle health wise.  My throat is again tight as I write this.  I could cry if I allowed it.  I won't.  Not right now.  I refuse to cry in front of others.  And when it does occasionally slip out I run and hide.  My poor husband hates when I do this.  It is childish behavior to run and hide, but its like a natural reaction.  I flee. 
Learning to be an observer had its advantages though.  I mean, I learned from others experience what I did or did not want to do or become.  I was able to convert those observations into action most of the time.  I was also labeled a good listener by many of my friends.  I have been told that I am so accepting and non judge-mental.  That I can see the clear picture from the beginning.  That I have great perspective in life.  All good qualities that I do see in myself and do appreciate.  My Patriarchal blessings tells me to learn from the way I was raised in my home.  And that I would help many of women of the church (LDS) and that many would bless my name.  It also promises that if I live the Word of Wisdom I will go thru life free from serious illness and disease.  AMAZING promise that I truly cherish.  Admitting is the first step to recovery right?  Well here it is.  In black and white.