Gratitude

For years I've been taught to be grateful.  Grateful for the all things I have and all the things I don't necessarily realize on a daily basis..  Like clean water, running toilets, warm showers or fresh air to breathe, etc.. I get that it's super important to be grateful.  I've realized that being grateful also means choosing to be happy even and especially when things don't go our way.  Super hard.  My husband and I purchased home about a year and half ago which we felt was meant to be our home.  Inspired you might say.  Was it perfect? No. Did it check all the boxes? No.  However the most important (to us) were checked...  We recently decided to tour an Ivory Homes model home.  BIG mistake.  Such a tease.  Rob was even more enamored by the thought of owning such a home.  He also got a significant raise recently with huge bonus possibilities in the future.  YAY for us!! So something weird happened where all of the sudden what we lived in felt like a cave.  A dirty old cave to be exact.  Clouding the reality of gratitude we once felt for it.  And all of the sudden we felt like we "deserved" a house like the model we toured.  I know what you are thinking... I think it now as I regurgitate this process into words... UNGRATEFUL little brats!!!
Having gone thru the approval process on our existing home to actually closing on the house was no short of a miracle.  We absolutely LOVE the neighborhood and the location and for the most part adore the people in it.  We are so close to everything; stores, freeways, friends and family.  What could possible be wrong you might ask?? Nothing really.  I mean, we would love an updated version of our home.  New kitchen, bathrooms, flooring, trim (molding), oh and a third car garage.  Not at all reasons to feel ungrateful.   
Another example: my van.  Dumpy, old, abused and broken it is.  Looking back I remember it being my choice.  I seemed super excited and ready to be a "van mom".   What the? Someone should've slapped me back to reality. 
Now I know this example seems pretty ungrateful sounding right?  Well I've got the twist for both examples. Really, I do. 
I digress; back to my pity party.  I loathe the vehicle to be perfectly honest.  I feel as though it is a dark, filthy, week old french fry ridden black hole of a van.  I even feel "old" driving it.  When did I decide to completely lose my identity I often think to myself. 
BUT.... alas both these decisions felt right at the time.  Both have brought tremendous blessings.  Both continue to make my life a million times easier than it was prior to having them.  I've had a bit of an awakening lately.
For about 6-9 months bipolar type thoughts have swirled in and out of my mind seemingly without effort.  One minute I am unsatisfied and depressed about parts of my life.  The next minute I am exactly opposite. I see others around my age with so much more.  Never assuming they think these same things.  I mean, how could they?  Everything the have is perfect.  House, cars, yard, kids, bodies, clothes, makeup, etc................  I get sucked into this trap and it is so hard to pull out of it sometimes.  I start to think irrationally almost.  Like if I worked harder or had a different job or worked out longer or more often surely I could have such things too.  I try and solve my own MADE UP "problems"... OH BROTHER!  Ungrateful.  Shameful even.  Especially again, as I confess these things out loud.  Am I alone in this self loathing, selfish attitude?  I am NOT proud to admit such things.  But, admitting is the first step to recovery right?! :) 
After a light-hearted conversation with a client whom I barely know much about nor have I known her for a very long time spoke with such certainty.  We both expressed things we wish we could change in our lives and things we might struggle with monetarily.  But in the end her attitude just melted my selfish mantel away.  I realized how selfishly I spoke and how I justified my excuses to myself.  Feeling sorry for myself comes easily.  She helped me realize that what I have is enough.  In fact, an answered heartfelt prayer I once begged for.  That many, thousands upon thousands happily live on and with MUCH less.  So what if I want a new kitchen. So what if my house doesn't look like it came out of a 'Better Homes and Garden' magazine. Or that my van may squeal all the way downt the road.  I have a home that is filled with love and compassion.  Where memories are being made and we can feel the spirit.  My car gets me from point A to point B, with working A/C and heat, depending on the weather.  One of the doors opens with the push of a button for pete sakes...  So what if it doesn't shine and sparkle.  So what if I look "old" when I drive it.  Who cares?  And if anyone out there does, why should I care that they care??  GET OVER IT!! Good grief.  I am sure Heavenly Father must be shaking His all knowing head at my selfishness all the time.  I can do better.  I want to think healthy positive thoughts about my life.  I want to constantly feel grateful for the blessing I have.  Even if they are different from someone else's.