As I sit here and begin to write, my home seems to be beckoning me to "come clean me!!!" in desperation. I know my house looks like a dump currently. I know I have worked hard the last two days at my job which has taken me away from my responsibilities around the house. I feel guilty over it too. Even though I would also feel guilt over not making money to support our lifestyle needs/wants. Sometimes the responsibilities we have on ourselves is daunting. Which is exactly how I feel at the moment. I've learned in my 32 years of life that when I become so overwhelmed I tend to shut down. Sometimes I wind up taking a nap, playing on my phone, reading a captivating book, or of course writing as I am now. I don't know what is wrong with me that makes me shut down. That the total disaster in each room screaming for attention just makes me shrink back and want to close the doors of my home and forget about real life for awhile.
Why? WHY do I do this? I realize I am probably not alone in this behavior.
I run a business (salon) out of my home and frequently people ask me how I do it?? Meaning, how do I possibly keep a home, stay in shape, run kids to and from every earthly activity possible, run a business where I am the only employee, continue to keep the flame of love lit in my marriage and serve in my church calling? My answer... Uuummmm.... literally its just uuuummmmmm.... I don't have an answer for it. I honestly don't know how I manage to accomplish all that I have stewardship over or for. Let me tell what I do know...
I do know that I am completely exhausted most days. I suppose I could have a better systematic answer. I have a white board calendar that I desperately try to keep up to date. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone benefits from it but hey, makes my head hold less so I continue to update it. I also have a calendar in my phone that I basically couldn't live without. All my work is scheduled through my phone. Probably not the smartest idea to keep my work "eggs" all in one basket; that at any moment could disappear in the blink of an eye. But hey, again, it's less knowledge I have to keep in my seemingly tiny brain.
I do know that I'd love to be the stay at home mom who bakes amazing treats, meals and extra to share with my neighbors. I'd love to spend 2-3 hours in the gym everyday. I'd also love to become a scriptorian (sp)? An expert if you will in knowing what's in the scriptures, and what they are trying to tell and teach. I mean, I know the basics, I get the over all understanding of Christ's message in the scriptures, but I'd love to be an expert. I'd love to have a home that is dust free, freshly vacuumed and mopped. A home where you didn't have to wonder if a guest using your restroom even has toilet paper much less a clean toilet. Where you always had enough clean spoons in a well manicured silverware drawer instead of the one that basically attacks upon opening.
These are some things that I do know about my time, and my life that I seem to be "managing". I have so much to be grateful for. But, sometimes a good vent is good for the soul. I can't hold everything up and together forever. I'm only human. One that has good intentions as well, but human non the less. SO... if you are feeling down in the dumps or depressed about your life and all the responsibilities you carry. Fear not, you're not alone. And when some other desperate soul asks you "how you do it?" just think of my uuuummmm.... LOL ;) and that I think for now it's okay not to have all the answers.
This too shall pass. Carry on!
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