Gratitude

It's kind of amazing what God can do for you when you actually make Him a priority in your life. I'm not talking about obtaining "things" from God,  as much as perspectives and paradigm shifts He helps me see.  I know that only He could have given me and helped me recognize one big huge gigantic piece of my missing puzzle. Gratitude. Not the "I'm so grateful for my life and my family and my home and my stuff" kinda gratitude. I feel I've carried this important yet superficial level of gratitude for most of my life. No. The I accept your will and realize my total reliance on Thy watch for all that I have. This past Sunday I began a real "fast". A "fast" in my opinion means to prayerfully submit your will to God; including going without any food or drink for up to two meals. I believe opening and closing a "fast" should be done with sincere prayer. Unfortunately I have been too selfish most of my life to take this opportunity seriously. I'm ashamed that at the ripe age of 34 I think I've only experienced this by choice less than a handful of times. So often I would forget all together it was "fast Sunday". Other times, I'd give in the natural pangs of hunger and decide I wasn't taking it seriously enough. Another huge aspect I'd falter on is what to "fast" for. I wanted it to be important and meaningful and usually couldn't find something personal enough.... I know, it's shameful. This world is FULL of meaningful and important things to "fast" about.

This past week I realized that what I desired deep down was a fast that NEEDED to come from a place of open mindedness and a willingness to let God teach instead of directing Him as to what I felt I needed help with. I fasted for a current project in my life and that it would be successful in helping even just one woman in my area. Turns out my biggest reward from that lesson was the one He so gracefully taught me.
As a young child I remember feeling so free. The kind of free that eliminates any desire to impress other humans. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to please other humans (family members) but I had no desire or even knew how to compare myself. What pure joy I once enjoyed. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. I remember just thinking of everything as exploration. My house seemed full of treasures waiting to be found. My backyard was a jungle of fun waiting to be explored. My body seemed to be an unstoppable force for whatever I deemed worthy. My loving Heavenly Father helped me remember who I really am at the core. What things drive me to be my true self. I am so grateful for His willingness to help me see my weaknesses so that they can become strengths!

God's love

I had an experience about a month ago that I remembered today while studying a lesson on faith. To preface this experience I must explain that I battle with very low self-esteem and have struggled with this most of my life. Age and many ruined relationships have taught me a thing or two; fortunately, I have made some strides in the right direction to self-love. Surprisingly I am also a self-help junkie! I can't seem to hit the library and just snag a quick Richard Paul Evans romance every once in a while. Inevitably I'll grab some form of a self-help book too. Every. Time. ;) It is a virus of the mind I actively try to combat. Daily. So I guess I can't help myself, but it is ironic hahaha.

Now going to this experience....
We were on day two of our "summer" vacation in mid September and had planned this trip with another family who also happen to be good friends.  This trip was a big one which included a Spartan Race for the adults, Disneyland, California Adventure Park, Universal Studios (Harry Potter World) and of course time spent on the beach. In preparation for this trip I had tried my best to feel confident in all that we would be doing together. I tried to tell myself that spending 9 straight days with other people (even friends) was possible and could even be fun. In reality this trip had given me ulcers for weeks and almost months. Every poor self-esteem person's NIGHTMARE.

So here I find myself completely overwhelmed at DAY 2!!!!! Yes... pathetically day 2. My poor loving husband could sense my unease and overall panic, however, he couldn't have guessed why. He loving kept asking what was wrong and why I was so quiet? Poor guy. To my own detriment my brain does all but kill myself to allow other people to remain unhappier than myself, so of course I keep telling (lying) to him that I was just tired and didn't have much to say, that all was well. So by day two I sent them off to swim and told them I'd catch up, that "I just needed to get situated in my bathing suit and I'd be down." Yeah right. So immediately closing the door and hearing their squeals of delight to be let loose to the pool below I gasped for air and dropped to the floor on my knees. Crocodile tears welling and spilling out uncontrollably. I had lost the battle and I couldn't regain my composure until I had poured my heart out to God for help. I wasn't even sure that I wanted the help for me, just to remain calm during the rest of our trip for my families sake.

Not only was my emotional state in full panic disaster mode, but my knee had been giving me quite the scare with pain for roughly two weeks since my last Spartan Race in Breckenridge, CO. For the full two weeks I had been nursing the crap out of my knee to ensure I'd even be able to race during our vacation to California. All of this, plus more I can't put into words were swirling through my mind like a hurricane. My plea's to God for help were in shear desperation. I felt I had no way out nor anyway of fixing what problems I felt I was dealing with. My sweet husband asked me later that evening if I would like a blessing for my knee and in my heart I couldn't answer with faith that I did, because I had hit rock bottom. I didn't feel worthy to ask for such a miracle nor did I honestly believe God would want to bless poor pathetic me. Dealing with low self-esteem means your subconscious is completely devoted to whatever "truth" you have told yourself. What we tell ourselves has so much power that our subconscious finds evidence to prove itself right.

Example... I can walk into any store and tell you how many things I couldn't wear, what things I shouldn't eat or what things a girl like me doesn't deserve. LIES.
I have told myself how horrible I am for as long as I can remember. Rarely do I feel 100% confident doing anything. I didn't see the real harm for most of those years and am just scratching the surface of how much damage I have done to convince my subconscious of this toxic lie (truth).

Going back, I shrugged off my husband's request to give me a priesthood blessing and went to bed worried and not at all prepared for my race the next day. I had decided that I'd just wear my bulky knee brace and run the race regardless of how it felt; basically I was saying I am unworthy of healing and feeling God's love for me. One word... STUBBORN! Again, my subconscious was not going to be wrong. The next morning, I dressed myself, ate the necessary food I would need and waited for Rob to finish getting himself ready. As I waited, I contemplated how maybe I should just get a blessing because what could it hurt? I made the last minute request and my husband without hesitation said "yes". I sank into the chair, received the blessing and knew deep down God could heal me. He had done it so many times before, I just felt horrible about my worthiness to receive it. As Rob closed the blessing, I opened my eyes, stood to hug and thank him and realized my knee instantly felt better. The sharp intense pain I had become so accustomed to was gone? I was perplexed. God had healed me, but more importantly He had proven His unwavering love and concern for me despite my perceived unworthiness. My heart all but burst in gratitude for Him so powerfully manifesting His LOVE for me. He had heard my heart all along. He had heard my plea's as I bawled on the hotel floor hours earlier. He had known that I was worthy and even knew how much I doubted it... and He knew that I did have faith in His power.

How important is faith? So deeply, personally and powerfully important. To me.

I don't have a reason for posting today other than I just felt like writing. I ofttimes have so many thoughts swirling through my mind that writing them down lets them find steady ground. Kinda what I am searching for right now I guess. Life has morphed into something new again for our family, which at the current time is working quite well. My kids enrolled back at our local public school and are thriving. I wanted to love homeschooling. And for a time I think we did. It's kind of a feast or famine type gig in my opinion. We were all a bit sad to close that short lived door of opportunity, but happier to see where it took us and why we can appreciate where we are now. Funny how that goes sometimes. I am happy that my kids have been placed with teachers who, so far, are doing a marvelous job. One that I will never be able to duplicate. I know my role as mother is most important and doesn't need to be replaced. It is just refreshing to know that some people we meet are meant to be there too.

Another big morph to our lives is that my husband and I completed 7 Spartan races this year.  We dabbled last year with a couple races and kinda fell in love with the mental and physical challenge of the experience. Rob placed 101st in the world by the end of the season at Lake Tahoe and I placed 113th in the world for females. We couldn't be more proud of ourselves! Our kids also took part and raced in 3 of the Kids Spartan races which they too fell in love with. They continue to ask when they will be able to compete again. I love how they have acquired our drive for competition!

Rob has been challenged at work lately. He is striving to earn a director position with his current employer Nelson Labs. I know this is something he will achieve over time. I think he is closer than he thinks actually. I am so grateful for his integrity and work ethic. We have been so fortunate and blessed as a family because of him and I am excited to see where he will go next and how that will look. One avenue we have both seriously considered mostly as a side business is building an OCR (Obstacle Course Racing) gym. There aren't any in our area that we are aware of so it would kind of give us the upper hand. Not 100% sold on the idea or that we will even pursue it farther, but it is an interesting thought.

Work for me has largely been good. My clientele has probably doubled over the last year and a half which is awesome. I sometimes get overwhelmed at managing so many more clients, but am really appreciating the opportunities it gives us as a family. I kind of have the desire to shift what I do for work, but not sure what that equates to at this time.  I'd love to go back to school at some point to graduate with my bachelor's degree. I think in computer software, engineering, or something along those lines sound fun, but again, not quite set on anything yet. I know that schooling requires a lot of sacrifice which I am unwilling to do right now. I can talk myself out of most anything.

What depression feels like for me.

I am not sure why I always pick the worst time to update my blog. I am currently sitting on my unmade bed, hair still dripping from the shower I just took (ahem at 3:30 in the afternoon)... and I have to work in one hour from now. My thoughts lately have been a bit more somber and down trodden. I feel as though a storm of thoughts swirls in my mind like a tornado. Sometimes touching down to the depths of my soul making me shed uncontrollable tears and other times retreating into the dark cloudy gloom where I remain silent a lot. I am not sure why I am so sad. It's never one specific thing in my life which brings me down, but rather a compilation of things I can't seem to shake. Sometimes they can even be as simple as mere perceptions I carry. At best. Sad music draws me in to these darker places. I crave it almost. It helps me really fall into these moments. The power of music is real to me. Like it is to so many others. For good or bad.
I've felt like a big fat failure most of this school year. I decided to home school my three children which truthfully wasn't all bad, but the bad definitely out weighs the good in my case. I hit rock bottom and I am trying to float back up for breath.  
My sister in law whom I care deeply about went through hell and back with her now ex-husband and is currently (not even one year later) engaged to another fellow I have serious reservations about. As much as I realize it's not my life nor my business. I worry so much about her. I love her. She is so much like a sister to me. We grew up together and I have so many fond memories of her.
This world we live in is so corrupt and so very disturbing. My heart breaks each evening I choose to watch the news. I hate that so much fear is infiltrating my soul. I feel afraid to let my kids out of my sight. I mourn at the thought of what trials they will have to face. So many many sad and horrible things.
These past two years I've worked my body and brain into the ground physically. I am proud of where I've come, but I don't know if I've managed to figure out when I'll be satisfied? I know comparison is the thief of joy. I've heard this more times than I can count. However, I compare. It's something my brain does without even trying. I wish it was something I was mentally stronger about. It affects so many other areas of my life. It can make me avoid phone calls, text messages, social situations, work, intimacy, etc. It feels like a huge heavy weight I can't seem to drop.
I am so blessed to have a husband who loves me beyond any measure I ever expected to receive. No matter how I've looked or felt physically, he has accepted me and reassured me of my beauty and worth. I owe him my life for this. I can honestly say I probably rarely believe him deep down, but I so appreciate him never giving up on me. I look at his perfectly chiseled body, his winning personality, his enthusiasm and drive for excellence and get confused about how I could have ended up with someone so unimaginably perfect. I feel like I have to hold myself to a higher standard being the one on his arm. I feel I need to compare myself in order to feel like I actually do belong there.
I realize these thoughts aren't normal everyday thoughts. And that somebody out there might worry about me, but then I realize we all feel these pressures and weights bearing down on us. Threatening to crush our very existence. I am not alone in my thoughts. It's a chronic sickness I carry. Literally. One day, I may choose to kick this sickness to the curb. Right now I don't seem to have the will power. I am not giving up the war, but I have definitely lost this battle.

Testing your limits

I took the opportunity this summer to train hard for what is known as a "Spartan Sprint" race. Instead of running my knees and ankles into the pavement all summer I was hitting the gym and pumping iron like a crazy woman. It took all I had most days to drag myself to the gym and not give up. It also required a lot of hiking and trail running. I proved to be mostly successful, but had a few ebbs to my flows. An amazing transformation happened however which I was so pleased to realize. At the beginning of the summer I couldn't do even one pull up. My body would shake and quiver in rejection as my chin so desperately wanted to reach the bar. After about 2 months of practice and diligence in even getting my body half way, I finally reached the bar. And not only that, I can now reach it about 7 times! This among many other strides I made physically while training for this said event. It was kind of like I gained a small glimpse of what my body used to be like as a kid. Growing up I lived and died for gymnastics, and lets be honest- mostly all sports is what I lived for. I remember feeling like I could do anything physically that I wanted to do. Push ups? No problem. Hand-stand push ups? Of course! There was nothing I felt I couldn't do. I loved that feeling of invincibility. Somewhere along the road to maturity I lost all sense of that. I almost seemed to cave in emotionally as well. I became insecure, afraid, and full of doubt. Being a runner most of my adult life renewed a sense of that old self. Mostly emotionally however. Going for a long run has always been a sort of emotional therapy for me. It's wonderful to turn off the "mom brain" and just let the wind and sun hit my face. I was nervous this weekend as my husband and I traveled to Temecula, California to do it. He also ran in the "Spartan Beast" event, because he was earning what they call a "Trifecta Award". After finishing the "Sprint" I think I'd like to train for a "Trifecta" next year. It feels so renewing and wonderful to train my emotional side as well as my physical limit. Our bodies are a wonderful creation of our Heavenly Father. I am so grateful for everything my body can achieve. I am so blessed.

Validation

So, I posted a picture on Facebook last night that actually made me step back and think a little deeper. It was, in nature a sarcastic one, simply stating, "She is like the white crayon in the box. Desperate for attention." When I first read it I literally laughed out loud. If you are familiar enough with the forum of all social media, then you know exactly why this is funny. I worried a tad about offending people. I'm absolutely sure I have. It wasn't directed at any one person to be honest. But it does apply to, I think, almost all of Facebook or other social media users. MYSELF included. It sometimes seems the wave of desperation comes at high tide each and every day with no relief. This has got my mind thinking. Have we become so consumed with ourselves that we need to validate every decision we make on a social media websites? Can you remember the days when that wasn't the case? I can. I remember we depended on family, friends, and more importantly the Lord for our validation. Sure you can say my family and friends are on social media and they are the ones whose posts you are looking for and spending time "stalking". But then we all know you'd be lying. You have hundreds of people on sites that you probably met once or don't even know. When you get the 20, 70+ likes on your "desperate" post, admit it. You feel better. You might even spend time seeing which of those 70+ people liked your post. The feeling that whatever you posted was deemed good enough is what you want so desperately. Yet another form of instant-gratification to making us superficially feel loved. Even if subconsciously. When was the last time you felt that overwhelming desire on a daily or hourly basis for the Lords approval and validation? These sites aren't evil in and of themselves. They don't scream at you that this is probably a bad waste of time or a horrible way to divulge the most intimate parts of your life - all the time. It isn't that I think people are bad for posting or using them. Heaven knows I have had my fair share of those. So often I come across articles or quotes that I need that day. I may even share them hoping to brighten someone else's day. I know we all have those thoughts and desires as well. I find nothing wrong about that. However, what if I thought about or heaven forbid, pray about, someone I could share that quote or article with over the phone or in person! Or what if I am missing out on helping someone in need because I was too busy worrying about how many people will "like" my post. More importantly, I miss the opportunity to communicate with the Lord and see who and how He would have me help someone in need. Asking myself these questions has made me dig deeper into the chambers of my soul. Where does my desire for validation really come from? And what are my actions of that need for validation proving? That I am addicted to social media? Or that I am confident in the Lords approval of me and therefore don't need to spend my waking hours wondering what else is out there.  The Lord has it all. All the best quotes you could ever search for. All the love and concern the Holy Ghost can offer is through Jesus Christ only. I am beginning, in the very least, to reconsider where my actions are showing there devotion.

The power of thought...

I recently listened to a small video clip my good friend April Berezay made the other day. Basically the gist of what was discussed was concepts and thoughts mankind has had in the centuries of time have ALWAYS been the same.  The same desires to feel loved, accepted, or powerful and mighty have always existed. The same emotions have also always existed; Guilt has always existed.  Peace has always existed.  Pride has always existed, Joy, Sorrow, Pain, etc., etc., etc...  The mind is infinite.  And the same pattern of what you think and feel has been happening with countless others for centuries. What thoughts we carry and mole over determine not only where we are at this very moment in life, but where they will lead us in the future.  How then, should the thoughts we make place for, be ones that are of upmost importance! Shifts in thoughts do happen and should happen. But are we willing to put in the work to shift to a higher plain? Or do we shift down because that feels more comfortable? Do we settle for what we know and think because we're too afraid? The scriptures are replete with stories about those who kept or didn't keep their thoughts and actions aligned with God's.  Where did the thoughts of some take them?  Do we really think we are so superior as to have a different law of this universe given to us? When you think about the eternal perspective, without the same universal laws we are currently living under now; what thoughts and emotions will we think and feel? I can't yet imagine so great a blessing that will be. 
Elder Neil A. Maxwell said, (and I am not quoting) Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean you have to give it a seat. Our thoughts are so powerful indeed that sometimes they can literally control whether we get out of bed or not.  Whether we want to interview for a job or not.  Whether we apply to college or not.  To get married or not.  To have kids or not.  To accept all that the prophet says, or not.  To believe the scriptures were written for us, or not. Concepts and thought can keep us trapped, even if its NOT what we really truly want to be.  Given time to meditate to find truth, you will realize even these simple thoughts can and DO determine destiny.  So what thoughts could you shift?  Who would you be without some of the thoughts you have? What thoughts are holding you back? Where are thoughts coming from?  The Holy Ghost?  Satan? What emotions will you be able to let go of once you change your thoughts? And more importantly what thoughts and emotions will you gain if you let go of others?